My Journey in Indian Matrimony

Navigating modern matchmaking can be overwhelming, from countless matrimonial websites and the allure of dating apps; from swiping profiles to crafting catchy bios, we are spoilt for choices today. Finding a life partner can lead to emotional turmoil. This blog is a compilation of my personal experiences and observations during the process of an arranged marriage.

In India, the traditional arranged marriage process involves parents finding a suitable partner based on horoscopes and astrology; mostly through their ‘network’. Both parties would meet a few times before finalizing the decision with a ring exchange ceremony. Post this, the wedding date would be set, and preparations would begin. However, times have changed. Nowadays, individuals prefer to make their own decisions, breaking down barriers of caste and economic backgrounds. They prioritize compatibility, social outlook, and emotional intimacy over traditional consideration.

As my story goes, my parents enrolled me on a matrimonial site. Unprepared for an arranged marriage, I struggled with the notion of not having a love story and the idea of choosing a life partner after minimal interactions. Reluctantly, I attended a few counselling sessions hosted by relationship managers from various matrimonial sites. They shared ideas of how to shortlist profiles, most of them were based on caste, skin colour, height etc.- which were incongruent to my values. These parameters were not considered by us while building relationships in the past! I wanted to choose my partner based on compatibility, emotional resonance, vibe which seemed challenging in the way matrimonial apps are designed.

Early experiences of the process were disheartening as primary acceptance or rejection of profiles were hinged on factors beyond our control. Initial conversations used to be driven by parents/ guardian from both sides, who spoke about traditions instead of spirituality, generational wealth instead of financial goals, salaries instead of education or career goals. Relationship managers wanted me to select prospects based on the photos they submitted (without validating if they were recent); their income which sometimes was an inflated number; or based on ‘about me’ section which did not resonate the true personality of the groom. This led to many calls that didn’t convert to a second call, meetings with the prospect only to discover that the details on site were incorrect. After 2 years of doing this, I was frustrated, and disenchanted. All of this felt useless, superficial and confusing.

My friends, also in search of marriage, shared this sentiment. Both girl-friends and guy-friends felt they were unable to be completely honest. Prospective profile on such matrimonial apps aimed to present their best selves rather than their true personalities. Parents highlighted college and work achievements and positive traits, while the children faced their own challenges. Even at the age of 30, boys were unclear about marriage and the type of life partner they desired; on the other hand, girls were so eager to find a decent and emotionally available groom that they were ready to overlook all other critical factors.

In these years, I have experienced days (sometimes months) when we did not find any suitable profile and some when all profile requests were rejected for reasons unknown. Despite efforts to connect, communication with prospects often fizzled out abruptly. Sometimes, I would speak to a boy for a few days, thinking conversations were going well, only to discover later that he had suddenly stopped talking to pursue another prospect. Abruptly cutting off communication without explanation or ‘Ghosting’ had become a common phenomenon. There are articles that say it is due to reasons such as loneliness, abundant options on online sites, fear of trusting the wrong person with emotional vulnerability result in fear of commitment (often stemming from past failed relationships). These factors have made dating more complicated. In my thought as you grow older, it becomes increasingly difficult to find a partner you can trust enough to show your vulnerable side and seek their support. We need time and extra effort to build that trust, yet we rush to conclusions while talking to others, unwilling to invest time or effort in fear of disappointment. This adds on to the delay in finding a suitable match.

After months of trying the process, resetting, restarting it over and over, I had lost the will to continue. I just left it upon destiny and decided to take a break from the search. I had stopped checking all the apps. I traveled around, focussed on getting my promotion at work, spent time with friends and family. I was enjoying life’s other pursuit. There were a few friends on the same boat as me who were taking it slow too. Yet, one fine day destiny played its part and I received a request from a guy who suited most checklists and when we first spoke on the phone we both felt excited to talk again! That story of how I met my husband is for another blog though.:)

Everyone who is navigating the dating scene, my advice would be to stay true to yourself. What I mean to say is don’t pretend to be another person to get acceptance in the process. Elders, friends, and marriage councellors sometimes told me to not speak about ambitions in first meeting, or ‘tweak my habits’ a little while talking. I felt that would mean I have to be that version for lifetime which didn’t seem sustainable! I would also suggest to prioritise meaningful connections, and most importantly, don’t rush into it because of peer pressure! Don’t get married because everyone around you wants you to! In my belief, there is abundance of love in arrange marriage as well, but there is far more mutual respect, patience and understanding for each other. Wait for a partner who values your depth and invests in building a genuine connection.